Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Pat Brett's moustache to divorce... Pat Brett!

In an incident that has rocked the advertising industry, Pat Brett's Moustache has filed for divorce... against Pat Brett.

"I just can't take it any longer," said PBM as he was leaving his solicitor's office in Soi Cowboy. "I do all the hard work, he takes all the glory. But that's going to stop. From now on, he's on his own."

PBM, who was looking better groomed than normal, continued his barrage of accusations against his estranged partner. "Do you think he could attract the girls without me? Not on your Nelly. I'm the one that tickles their fancy. Literally."

Pat Brett, who was looking rather strange with a hairless upper lip, refused to comment on the situation.

"It's between me and my moustache. Now fuck off," was his response to a group of journalists who were trying to question him as he jumped into a tuk tuk.

Industry insiders claim the relationship has been on the rocks for quite a while. One very close friend, who insisted on remaining anonymous, said, "I know Mr. Patrick and hairy friend long time. Mr. Patrick not say much. Leave talking to hairy friend. I like hairy friend. He real man. No like Patrick. He only like talk football. I not know football. It boring. I'm real lady. You buy me drink?"
PBM was last seen in Pat Pong living it up on whisky, beer and women with about fifty of his friends in King's Castle. Pat Brett was last seen at home alone watching Coronation Street and sipping a cup of chamomile tea.

The divorce proceedings are still under way.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Woman gets pregnant in a spa

Check out the link. Vinny has just been made an honourary member of Compulsive Liar.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dinosaurs are only 10,000 years old. Official.

I love you Baby T

Scientists from the The Center of Paleontology in Salt Lake City have uncovered a previously undetected flaw in Carbon Dating procedures. Objects that had been  dated at 10 billion years old are in fact only 10 thousand years old.

“It’s a terrible mistake and has discredited scientists everywhere,” explained Professor Beanflicker, Head of the Carbon Dating Machine.

“We’ve always known Carbon Dating was rubbish,” said Pastor Cheeseballs, a born again Christian and committed Creationist. “God made the Earth and everything on it around 10,000 years ago. It says so in the Bible. Irrefutable proof of the truth”

Cheeseballs claims dinosaurs were still around during the time of Jesus. “They were abundant. Jesus himself had a pet Tyrannosaurus Rex. There are references to it everywhere in the Bible,” he explained.

According to Cheeseballs, Saint Paul, who lived in the same condominium as Jesus had a pet Triceratops. The two fell out when their pet dinosaurs got into a fight and Baby Jesus’ T-Rex got killed.

“They didn’t talk to each other for years after that incident,” said Cheeseballs. “It was very upsetting for Jesus.”

Scientists now have to re-write thousands of books written about the subject. And Steven Spielberg is even contemplating changing the name of his famous film Jurassic Park to Christian Petting Park.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Pat Brett, the hardest working man in advertising

Pat Brett, a dedicated Protestant who never misses a Sunday service, consistently works 15 hours a day. "I can't help it," he says. "I just love strategizing, solving client problems and brainstorming with the creative guys. It's better than sex."

Charles Saatchi hailed Brett as the advertising icon of our times. "Forget Hegarty, Wieden and Goodby," he proclaimed. "They've got nothing on Brett. The man's an advertising genius."

When pushed to explain the success of the dapper adman, Saatchi just shrugged his shoulders and said, "What do you expect? He's jewish".

When he's not slaving away in the office, Brett is helping underprivileged country girls who have made their way to the city to find work. "I see them coming down here in the busloads," explains Brett. "It just breaks my heart. Poverty's an awful thing."

Brett makes up little rice packs for the hungry girls and hands them out as they come off the bus. "He's a very nice man," said Porn, a pig farmer from Issan. "He's like my father, all wrinkly and smelly but very lovable."

Brett will be inducted into the advertising hall of fame this coming Saturday. "I won't be going to pick up my trophy," explained Brett. "I've just got too much work on."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

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Pete Moss has a very small nose, speaks the Queen's English and absolutely hates massive tits.