Sunday, April 25, 2010

Dinosaurs are only 10,000 years old. Official.

I love you Baby T

Scientists from the The Center of Paleontology in Salt Lake City have uncovered a previously undetected flaw in Carbon Dating procedures. Objects that had been  dated at 10 billion years old are in fact only 10 thousand years old.

“It’s a terrible mistake and has discredited scientists everywhere,” explained Professor Beanflicker, Head of the Carbon Dating Machine.

“We’ve always known Carbon Dating was rubbish,” said Pastor Cheeseballs, a born again Christian and committed Creationist. “God made the Earth and everything on it around 10,000 years ago. It says so in the Bible. Irrefutable proof of the truth”

Cheeseballs claims dinosaurs were still around during the time of Jesus. “They were abundant. Jesus himself had a pet Tyrannosaurus Rex. There are references to it everywhere in the Bible,” he explained.

According to Cheeseballs, Saint Paul, who lived in the same condominium as Jesus had a pet Triceratops. The two fell out when their pet dinosaurs got into a fight and Baby Jesus’ T-Rex got killed.

“They didn’t talk to each other for years after that incident,” said Cheeseballs. “It was very upsetting for Jesus.”

Scientists now have to re-write thousands of books written about the subject. And Steven Spielberg is even contemplating changing the name of his famous film Jurassic Park to Christian Petting Park.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Pat Brett, the hardest working man in advertising

Pat Brett, a dedicated Protestant who never misses a Sunday service, consistently works 15 hours a day. "I can't help it," he says. "I just love strategizing, solving client problems and brainstorming with the creative guys. It's better than sex."

Charles Saatchi hailed Brett as the advertising icon of our times. "Forget Hegarty, Wieden and Goodby," he proclaimed. "They've got nothing on Brett. The man's an advertising genius."

When pushed to explain the success of the dapper adman, Saatchi just shrugged his shoulders and said, "What do you expect? He's jewish".

When he's not slaving away in the office, Brett is helping underprivileged country girls who have made their way to the city to find work. "I see them coming down here in the busloads," explains Brett. "It just breaks my heart. Poverty's an awful thing."

Brett makes up little rice packs for the hungry girls and hands them out as they come off the bus. "He's a very nice man," said Porn, a pig farmer from Issan. "He's like my father, all wrinkly and smelly but very lovable."

Brett will be inducted into the advertising hall of fame this coming Saturday. "I won't be going to pick up my trophy," explained Brett. "I've just got too much work on."

Thursday, April 15, 2010

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Pete Moss has a very small nose, speaks the Queen's English and absolutely hates massive tits.